She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
me + whiskey = a bad person
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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