Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize