So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
