I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
