I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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