if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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