Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
