Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
