I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
