Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
