why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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