There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
