i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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