He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
