I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
