My cat gives me a boner
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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