No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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