He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
