I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
