I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
50% drunk capacity currently
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
