There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can text with my tongue
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
