Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I need moral support for this bender
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
