I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
