so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
