I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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