I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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