the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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