The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
