rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm getting married
To pizza
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
