I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't make out with my wife yet
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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