if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
