he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
