Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
