Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
