ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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