Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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