Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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