Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
