Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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