You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Can you bring me the toilet please
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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