if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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