I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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