As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize