i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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