i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
