Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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