Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
