babies were throwing up all over the place
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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