when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
