Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
