mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
