the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
