The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
