Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize