Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
