There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
