How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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