I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So apparently I’m into choking now
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