We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
