I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
