If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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