3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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